“God is the strength in which I trust…”
I used to really pride myself on my strength; my ability to handle any situation; to pull myself up, so to speak, and press on; to put my shoulder to the wheel… Sure, I wasn’t really so successful, of course not, but I’m smart and I know how to work hard… ‘Least that was my story and I was stickin’ to it.
But as all story’s eventually face the criteria of substance, so did mine. And I was smack dab, square-on, face to face with the ‘grand- disillusionment’ of my life. The thing is, that was my best effort. It is a feeling of unbearable inadequacy… I saw beneath the fragile shell I called a life to the total feeling of impotency of my self-concept and the story that belonged to it. The sense of aloneness was excruciatingly empty. The loneliness of nothingness was all that I had made of myself. I could not trust myself. ~ Not at all. And I had no strength from which to draw. …
I gave up…
Giving up, I let go my strategic mind and sank deep into the darkness within my mind. I just wanted to escape my life~ yet; I knew no external escape was possible for me. I had already tried the entire spectrum from best-ness to worst-ness and failed. In the darkness of familiarity, I began to sink beneath; I found the horror of this blackness, the ‘loneliness of nothingness’. It felt like this terrifying obliteration of ‘me’. The fear seemed to be within and without, breathing heavily on me… But even beneath or within that, even more encompassing, was the ugly meanness of “guilt" ~so powerful was this force ~it seemed to rule the world and certainly it ruled me! From where did it come? I somehow knew it had been there in my mind from the beginning of time… How could I not have been aware of it? How have I survived it? Only questions, no answers...
The sinking wouldn’t stop now; and I was sinking further; seemingly to escape this unbearable experience, the sinking itself turned to release and seemed to transport me, or transcend perhaps… It seemed to dissolve me to a place of never-ending peace… where ‘I’ was not there… a peace so deep and so complete that I could not remember anything I thought or was before, nor did it occur to me … Only all of everything ~here, now~.
It is imperative for me to remember that it was surely my trusting in my own strength that brought me to my knees, And it is placing my trust in the strength of God , that has risen and awakened me.~
Total surrender allowed me to look upon the horrors I made real, which my mind had so long denied. It brought me to a place of honesty; which prior to, I had no idea of… I thought I knew a few things, about spirituality, about God~ thought I knew about love, trust and the like…but, from where I was placing my trust, ~I did not! This surrender was my strength.
I chose once again...
~The miracle of forgiveness happens to the mind that asks…
…God is the strength in which I trust… There was never a time when anything else has given me any strength, nor was there ever anything else I could trust.
Today, this minute, NOW…I trust ~I trust the glorious experience of a forgiven Self, a forgiven world ~where every single thing is constructed according to God's plan for Atonement…
Today, I trust you, my brothers who are one with me… the strength of God is truly behind every perceptible event and circumstance. You know what’s so yummy; I easily see now, that ‘everyone’ is doing their part, perfectly…
So simple…God is the strength in which I trust~ joyously we rest assured; resting in the timelessness of the eternal now. Regardless of what may seem to come on the screen today, we can rest assured, and trust. It is God’s strength holding us in its arms…
Ahhhhhhhhh, lean back… can’t you feel it…PEACE~~REST WITH ME HERE TODAY in this exquisitely peaceful resting place where you and I are one and we are as God created us...
Overflowing with gratitude and love…
God is the strength in which we trust…
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